Humor

I do not promise quality, only quantity.

Cosmologists have not been able to determine what dark energy is.  Perhaps they have found God, and He is Dark Energy.  Which would make sense.  Dark Energy started to cause the Universe to expand a few billion years ago.  That would correspond to God’s equivalent of turning forty, which is when I started to expand… 10-25-24

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What do you call a practical joking spaceman. 

A smart ass-tronaut.

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New stickman cartoon. A remake of one I did about 30 years ago…

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I made these as business cards about twenty years ago and handed them out at star parties.

Image taken by me back in 2003.
Bad joke alert.

The Skiez family are at the carnival.  Mr. and Mrs. Skiez have two children; Redd and Bleu. Mrs. Skiez asks her husband, “Where are the kids?”  Mr. Skiez says, I don’t know, let’s ask the ticket booth attendant, Mr. Berlin, he knows me. Sir, have you seen our boys?”  The attendant asks, “Hello, Mr. Skiez. What do they look like?”  “Mrs. Skiez says, “Well, sir, one has red hair and is always gloomy.  His name is Redd.  The other is always smiling.  His name is Bleu.”  Mr. Berlin looks around and sees a boy coming their way.  He says, “I see one now.”  Mrs. Skiez asks, “Which one is it?”  Mr. Berlin says, “Bleu Skiez smiling at me, nothing but Bleu Skiez do I see.”

I Grew Up in the 60’s

Is that a good thing? Let’s see.

  1. I learned to build things from Wile E. Coyote
  2. I learned to play music from watching The Monkees
  3. I learned survival skills from watching Gilligan’s Island
  4. I learned how to avoid danger by watching Dr. Smith on Lost in Space
  5. I learned politics from watching Pat Paulsen
  6. I learned humor from watching Laugh In (you bet your sweet bippy I did)
  7. I learned how to get out of a tight fix by watching Batman
  8. I learned to farm from watching Green Acres
  9. I learned how to treat women from watching James T. Kirk, James West and Bond, James Bond
  10. I learned how to shoot and where to keep my cell phone from Get Smart

“I missed it by that much!”

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Davisms:

While talking to a friend of ours, I was telling her Mom was on a trip to Trinidad. She said, “Isn’t that where they do sex changes?” I said, “Mom went to Trinidad and came back Dad.” 5-5-21

It seems like just yesterday that today was tomorrow.  4-3-07

Did you hear about the woman who killed her husband with a hatchet? She only wanted an ax-husband!

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Nate

  Nate was in wait, lying prostrate to anticipate the fate of surgery on his prostate.  The doctor venerate was late having ate with his mate to communicate a debate to relocate their estate.  The nurse did equate to deliberate to placate her habituate confederate on issues so great that when designate and locate where to operate on Nate our nurse did create the wrong delegate needful of a castrate.  When medicate they did make to poor unfortunate Nate, they did negate to state this mistake so great.  When awake Nate did make, and situate the mistake, an advocate they did create, to hesitate before operate.  No longer to procreate, our Nate did relate, how his doctor venerate did proclamate, that the more ejaculate did Nate, the better the prostate and forever will negate the need to operate.

The moral of this story is….. use it or lose it.

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Shorts

While on lunch the conversation wandered onto the lady who orders multiple cases of mackerel. The comment was made that mackerel was very fishy tasting and that they must use unsavory parts of the fish. I asked if it was only part mackerel or wholly mackerel!

While standing in front of a display of door mirrors the other day, I was asked what I was doing.  I said, “I am reflecting!”

When told I was going to be asked a loaded question said, “Shoot!” 3-6-07

Why do vampires have poor memories? They can’t reflect on anything. 10-31-06

To Jim about his knee problem, “You patella the doctor that you kneed to have a joint meeting and get a leg up on this standing problem.”  3-24-07

Definition: a thinking feeling – what you feel when your thip ith thinking.  3-14-08

Confuse-us say, he who speaks with a forked tongue, should go back to using chopsticks. 3-14-08

Confuse-us say, he who laughs last, didn’t get the joke.  3-14-08

While in San Antonio, out in front of a wax museum, I said, that statue of Johnny Cash is a good waxsimile of him!  5-20-08

Tropical storm passed through Texas and blew the roofs off of a lot of houses.  I said, “That storm was very roofless on those houses!”  8/5/08

I asked Travis if he had made any mistakes today.  Because that would be a Travisty! 8/4/08

If you are mad at someone for the rest of your life and you live a long, long life, does that make you long livid?  9-14-08

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Young: the ability to go anywhere you please.

Old: the ability to go anywhere but in the bathroom.  10-16-11

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When a photo was shown on TV of a cat and cougar eyeing each other through a sliding glass door I said. “If that glass wasn’t there, that cat would be an extinct feces by now!”  10-19-11

Confuse-us say, he who writes clearly is using invisible ink…

Got some distressful news the other day from Mom but it explains a lot.  It seems that when she had me circumcised, she took advantage of a 40% off sale.  Thank goodness for inflation!  3/21/13